I have been thinking a lot about when Dawson was a baby when I was in the middle of my postpartum depression. (God has been doing a huge work in my heart recently that I am not ready to put into words but look for a future post.) So, today when I stumbled across another song that touched on what God has been showing me, it about broke me.
The song is called I Will by Citizen Way. I feel like the lyrics were written for me. The message of the song encompasses so much of my entire struggle with depression. It also brings to mind a conversation when I was severely depressed one spring early in our time of living in the bush village of Naknek and I called my mom. I said to her, “I don’t think I can bear it.”
I half expected her to give me an out. To tell me to book a plane ticket out of there. To rescue me. It surprised me when instead she responded,
“When you can’t bear it, the Lord can.”
I think the writer of the song I heard this week must have experienced depression at some point in his/her life. If not, then God sure used them in an incredible way. Not just one or two lines from this song resonated with me, but every. single. line.
“When every breath you breathe takes all that you’ve got. When you wonder if you’re always going to feel this way…”
This is my PMDD in a nutshell…moments that all swirl together in my memory because they are too many to count.
Or another line:
“I know you’re feelin’ overwhelmed before the day begins…”
In the worst of my postpartum depression, so many mornings felt like this.
Not only does this song capture perfectly the desperation of those times in my life, but repeats the messages God is speaking into my life as I heal:
“Hear the Lord of heaven say,
I will hold you when you’re breaking…
I will carry you through darkness until we see the sun again.”
And lines like this:
“When you’re at your weakest, oh I’ve never been more strong.
I will dry your eyes.
I will calm your fears.
I will walk with you on the raging sea.
And I will never leave.”
But the part that broke me (when I finally figured out what word he was saying, after listening to it a couple times) which caused me to break out into gut wrenching sobs:
“When you can’t lift that weight, believe me when I say I will.”
Life has felt so heavy at times. And it wasn’t until this fall I realized I was dragging around a weight that God didn’t ask me to. But more on that later…
Here’s the song:
Do you have a song that God used to meet you right where you are? If so, I’d love to hear about it in the comments!