If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, I am so sorry.
Have you felt this way?
For me, depression is like being in a glass bubble looking out at the world passing by. My face is pressed against the glass. There is an invisible wall I can’t get through. I see life happening but am powerless to break through. I want to live, but not like this. I feel so alone.
It’s pain in my gut and chest. Emotional pain that feels physical. A tightening of the chest that makes me take deep breaths.
It makes me think, “Life is too hard.”
It’s mustering strength for the moments of being out around people, but as soon as I’m home and can let my guard down, there is nothing left for those closest to me. Depleted, empty, “I can’t get myself off this couch.”
“I really should go do something else, but I seriously can’t move.”
My husband suggests something that might help:
Anything but sitting here on the couch. Those things might help but I can’t respond. I feel…crippled. It’s too much work. Work takes energy, passion, motivation. All things I don’t have.
I would talk but fear getting choked up. It’s too hard to talk. Responses form in my head but my loved ones don’t know that. The words form but my lips refuse to comply. I wish I could tell those closest to me that I’m scared by my thoughts. I wish I could tell them, “Don’t leave to run that errand. I already feel so alone and that’s with you here.” They don’t know that their presence does help in a small way. If only their physical presence could make my soul feel not so alone. If only they could rescue me from yourself. I wish they could reach inside this bubble and pull me out. Jesus, when will this pain end? I can’t live like this.
If this is anything like your experience, my heart goes out to you. This is an incredibly hard way to live. I pray you find relief from your battle, Dear One. Don’t give up fighting. There is hope!
Check out my What Helped Me pages for info on what has pulled me out of these kinds of moods.
If you are a Christian or someone interested in spiritual things, I hope my devotional posts encourage you that God is working through your depression.