This post has been stirring in my heart for some time.
For as long as I’ve dealt with PMDD, suicidal thoughts have been a symptom I’ve dealt with. It is not a constant thing. And as I’ve grown increasingly healthier emotionally, they have gotten less and less.
Joining Facebook support groups a few years ago opened my eyes to just how “normal” suicidal thoughts are in the world of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). In fact, one of those FB groups is the only place I can think of that has a policy for dealing with people’s suicidal ideation posts without freaking out. I appreciate that. While I am mostly an observer in these groups, it is nice to know I have a place to go where I could be understood, if needed.
It can be so easy when I am suffering from PMDD to let my mind slip towards the thinking, “Everyone would be better off without me.” Especially when I can’t get my explosive emotions under control and I respond in anger towards my family. I see the damage my actions cause and can hate myself for it.
My failures– a mixture of my illness and sin nature–cause me to think my life is a mistake and surely God didn’t know what He was thinking in placing me on the earth. I think maybe I can help God by correcting His mistake and making things right…by eliminating me.
These sorts of lies held a strong grip over the years.
Not long ago, I was visiting with two friends after church. My friend, Debbie, is honest, down to earth and loves Jesus. I always come away from conversations with her encouraged in my faith as it doesn’t take her long to move the conversation to deeper things and what God is teaching her. I love that about her.
I can’t remember what we were talking about that particular Sunday, but she mentioned that she heard a sermon that talked about how God knew before the beginning of time all the mistakes I would make and still chose to create me.
I’m sure I have heard similar statements before but this time the words stuck and they kept coming to mind in the weeks after.
When all the thoughts in my mind tell me I’ve gone too far and my life is too destructive, this truth tells me otherwise. If I was “too much” or “too messed up,” God could have chosen to not let my life come into existence in the first place. The fact that He chose to, knowing everything I would do, means that nothing is beyond His grace. Nothing is beyond His fixing. That there is purpose in my life, pain, and even my mistakes that He uses for His plans.
I don’t need to fix God’s mistake because my life is not a mistake. His good will overcome all my bad. That is the kind of God I serve.
6 thoughts on “Turning that Lie on It’s Head”
This is beautiful – amazing – God’s ways are not our ways….
He chose to quiet your heart in that unique way – another evidence of His love and care for you
We love you and your precious family AND that little one on the way 👏👏🙏🙏
Thanks Marissa! Your posts are so encouraging!!
thank you so much Marissa! You are such a blessing to me even though we’ve never met! I follow your recipe THM youtube channel even but the Lord was using that to lead me to this site.. it has helped me so much. I feel a little less “crazy” now that I’ve discovered I’m not the only one who struggles with these things! Praying for you! 🙂
Toni, wow! You have no idea how much your comment has meant to me. I just wish I had let you know sooner what an encouragement it has been. I’m so sorry it took me so long to reply. Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know what my writing has meant to you. It encourages me more than you know. Sometimes the more meaningful something is, the longer it takes for me to let someone know just how much it has touched me. It’s like I am touched so deeply, I don’t know how to put that into words. I’m so sorry you struggle with this stuff, too. Praying for you today! Thank you again!
Marissa, thank you for sharing this. I’ve struggled with severe anxiety on and off over the last 6 years, and there were times I thought I just didn’t have the strength to keep on going. I never considered that God was aware of my struggle and failures and STILL choose to make me. What a thought!! Thank you for sharing.
PS: I love your YouTube channel, too! ❤️
Carrie, your comment sure brightened my day and came at just the right time. Thank you so much for reaching out and letting me know how you were touched by this post. Praise God! May He continue to tear that lie down in both of our lives.
I’m so sorry that you suffer with anxiety. It’s the worst. 🙁 I’m currently dealing with quite a bit of it in this postpartum season, so my heart goes out to you. We’re in the trenches together and some sweet day we’ll be free of this struggle forever! Don’t give up hope! Thank you again for reaching out. What a blessing to me –more than you know. 🙂
P.S. Thank you so much for watching and loving my channel! That was icing on the cake to read!