This post has been stirring in my heart for some time.
For as long as I’ve dealt with PMDD, suicidal thoughts have been a symptom I’ve dealt with. It is not a constant thing. And as I’ve grown increasingly healthier emotionally, they have gotten less and less.
Joining Facebook support groups a few years ago opened my eyes to just how “normal” suicidal thoughts are in the world of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). In fact, one of those FB groups is the only place I can think of that has a policy for dealing with people’s suicidal ideation posts without freaking out. I appreciate that. While I am mostly an observer in these groups, it is nice to know I have a place to go where I could be understood, if needed.
It can be so easy when I am suffering from PMDD to let my mind slip towards the thinking, “Everyone would be better off without me.” Especially when I can’t get my explosive emotions under control and I respond in anger towards my family. I see the damage my actions cause and can hate myself for it.
My failures– a mixture of my illness and sin nature–cause me to think my life is a mistake and surely God didn’t know what He was thinking in placing me on the earth. I think maybe I can help God by correcting His mistake and making things right…by eliminating me.
These sorts of lies held a strong grip over the years.
Not long ago, I was visiting with two friends after church. My friend, Debbie, is honest, down to earth and loves Jesus. I always come away from conversations with her encouraged in my faith as it doesn’t take her long to move the conversation to deeper things and what God is teaching her. I love that about her.
I can’t remember what we were talking about that particular Sunday, but she mentioned that she heard a sermon that talked about how God knew before the beginning of time all the mistakes I would make and still chose to create me.
I’m sure I have heard similar statements before but this time the words stuck and they kept coming to mind in the weeks after.
When all the thoughts in my mind tell me I’ve gone too far and my life is too destructive, this truth tells me otherwise. If I was “too much” or “too messed up,” God could have chosen to not let my life come into existence in the first place. The fact that He chose to, knowing everything I would do, means that nothing is beyond His grace. Nothing is beyond His fixing. That there is purpose in my life, pain, and even my mistakes that He uses for His plans.
I don’t need to fix God’s mistake because my life is not a mistake. His good will overcome all my bad. That is the kind of God I serve.