I am in that place again.
If you think you are alone, know that I am with you in the trenches. That this blog is written not from a place of standing looking back on memories, but from experiencing firsthand the grip depression can have.
I wish it was different.
Because right now, my faith feels weak. My spirit dry.
It seems I’ve been on this road a long, long time.
So, I will lift my head and do as I have done in the past. When the road feels never ending, I will choose to look at all that consists of my life and write down a couple things that have been rolling around in my mind to thank God for.
Thank you, God, for eye sight. The other day, I was driving home from the Send North office (where my hubby spends his days) and passed a middle aged man walking across the street. I noticed he had a walking stick to feel the ground ahead of him.
While this isn’t the first time I’ve seen a blind person cross the street, for some reason this time it struck me. I was amazed that a man who couldn’t see was crossing a fairly busy streetat a busy time of day–at an intersection busy enough to have a stop light .
I pondered what my response would be if my lot in life or trial I was dealing with was different. Like if I suddenly couldn’t see. Would I be brave enough to get up and pursue living and eventually have the courage enough to cross that street or would I curl up and want to die? Would I pronounce life not worth living? Call it all a wash? Isn’t that what I’ve been doing with depression lately?
Thank you, God, for moments of reprieve. The thought hit me recently that in seasons I feel depressed, I do not feel depressed one hundred percent of the time. Often, it’s after my worst, most desperate hours (which usually includes a crying fit) where I think I can’t possibly go on that the load lightens a little. There is always a calm after a storm. My child does something I can laugh at. The dessert I am eating tastes especially good. My husband brings me flowers on a day I feel I least deserve them. Like yesterday.
Depression doesn’t win. These moments do.
On a road trip, when the road seems long, what do you do? Get out and stretch your legs? Stop and look around you? Eat something?
Is there some small thing that brings you even a tiny bit of delight right now that you can thank God for? I’d love to hear about it in the comments.