Whether it is depression or life circumstances, sometimes I feel like I don’t bring a lot to the table even though it is my heart to serve God. Sometimes I feel very limited and frustrated that my capacity is not what others’ is.
This can make me feel small when I look at what I’m “producing” for God. What about the friend who doesn’t know the Lord that I pray for regularly and desire to get together with but it keeps not working out?
What about the ministry co-worker who is so active in her community that hearing about her life makes me tired?
It leaves me wondering, “What am I doing for the Kingdom that is lasting and effective?”
On top of depression, for the past five years my life has revolved around a child with health issues that needs extra attention. Being a mom is a full time job in itself. Throw in a couple health complications and suddenly my life centers around being my son’s nurse and his advocate in getting the care he needs. Plans get canceled. My schedule empties fast when my little guy is sick. I am home a LOT. The days feel long.
While I know and believe deep in my heart that caring for my children is extremely important in God’s eyes, I have a heart to do even more. But so often, I am confined to living life inside the four walls I call home. This has often been a source of discouragement for me.
Until recently in my time in the Word, I came across two women who are noted in Scripture for what they did. Not for what they did serving but for what they did worshipping.
One is found in Matthew 26 where the story stuck out to me of the woman who anointed Jesus for His burial just days before He died. The disciples were indignant that the perfume she poured out on Jesus could have been sold and the money used for the poor. Like the disciples, we often look at things and think we have the “godly” all figured out.
In this instance, Jesus defended the woman, saying, “…she has done a beautiful thing to me” and said that wherever the gospel is preached, this would be told in memory of her. The godly thing looked different than expected. In fact, the “work” of serving God in that minute in history came in the form of worship–someone so overcome with gratitude and love for Jesus that it was expressed through an earthly treasure poured out. And the timing could not have been more perfect for it prepared Christ for the very thing He came to earth to do.
In Luke 2, I came across another remarkable woman noted for worship. Anna, widowed after only seven years of marriage, lived the remainder of her eighty-four years of life worshipping at the temple day and night. She, along with a man named Simeon, had the privilege of recognizing Jesus as Messiah when he was only eight days old. This resulted in her proclaiming praise to God for it. Her life “work” for God consisted of worship through prayer and fasting and it brought about a significant moment of praise recorded in the New Testament.
Do you feel limited in what you can do for God? Do you feel like depression or PMDD or anxiety or just hard life circumstances makes it impossible for you to accomplish much for the Kingdom of God, as far as what can be measured in the world’s eyes?
Be encouraged by these woman noted in Scripture. Things are not always as they seem. Are you able to worship in the state that you are in? Can you pour out your heart–which is essentially your most valuable treasure–to the One who sees you? Can you listen to a worship song and let the truth of the words sink in so that you respond in praise? Can you lift your hands to the Father in heaven and tell Him what He means to you?
This has been me so many mornings in the past five years. Still in my pajamas looking a mess with breakfast dishes piled in the sink and a little boy running around. Sometimes I would scoop up Brennan and hold him while I swayed to the music and let the words of a worship song speak truth over me. Last year at this time, the song, “What You Say” by Ryan Stevenson were the words that brought tears as I admitted my struggle with sin and not being the mom I want to be. But Jesus said different and it resulted in praise on my part.
Worship from the heart IS a beautiful treasure to the One who made you. It may very well be one of the “good works” God had in mind for you before the creation of the world (Eph 2:10). It is not a waste of time and not small in His eyes.
Even if it is all you can do today.